Name

Number

Nickname(s)

Origin (Initial comments from 8/7/08 unless otherwise noted)

Ayala, Luis

18

Ay-Allow-Runs-To-Score, AARTS

3/12/09: Not much to say about him yet. He is apparently Mexican and is pitching for Mexico in the WBC. The most interesting thing I know about him is that he was shot by a friend on a hunting trip (one assumes unintentionally). 4/26/09: He now has a nickname, mainly due to his inability to keep his inherited runners from scoring. It was shortened to AARTS by my brother to simplify it.

Baker, Scott

30

Scott Bakerbaker, Scott Bakerbaker the Home Run Maker

4/28/09: A Twins ad on the radio called him "Scott Bakerbaker the Backwards K Maker", and I really liked to say "Bakerbaker" so I just started calling him that. Later I added the "Home Run Maker" part since he was giving up so many homers.

Blackburn, Nick

53

Hottie

Um, he’s hot. Smoking hot actually. Enough said.

Bonser, Boof

26

N/A

Boof is just Boof. He isn’t well-liked or interesting enough to have a nickname. Sad, but true.

Breslow, Craig

49

Joe Squared

His number (49) is the square of Joe Mauer’s number (7). Math is fun! Also of note, this nickname is a bit of a misnomer since Breslow looks like a wee little midget compared to Joe.

Buscher, Brian

32

Fucking Bushy, Bushy, Bucking Fushy

Last season, he was just Bushy. It was a simple nickname, but it had its charm. This year, however, I have become very anti-Buscher. Once he was called up this year, all anyone could talk about was how great he was at 3rd base and what a wonderful player he was. At first, it annoyed me because it seemed like Bushy was constantly outshining Harris (my favorite player). Whenever Harris did something good, it seemed like Bushy did something better. However, when Punto returned, Bushy’s success meant less playing time for Harris. So during this season, I frequently added “fucking” as an adjective before his nickname to express my irritation, and it stuck. He is also occasionally referred to as Bucking Fushy due to my habit of transposition (see the entry on Joe Mauer).

Butera, Drew

71

N/A

3/12/09: A catcher. Yeah, that's all I've got.

Casilla, Alexi

25

ESPN Specíal, Specíal

Last season, we frequently called Casilla the Black Ruskican. This name was a bit of a mouthful, however, and it didn’t really carry over this year. He was basically Casilla for most of the season. Recently the Twins had a series of bad games in which Casilla made some mental mistakes. Most notably, he forgot how many outs were in an inning, and he was playing in the wrong spot to turn a double play. Afterwards, he was berated by pitcher Glen Perkins (“What the fuck? There was 1 out!”). Then on Baseball Tonight, they actually featured Casilla in a 5-minute segment where they talked about how he fucked up. Hence the nickname since he basically had his own special on ESPN. And also because his stupidity made him seem “special.” The accent was added since Casilla is Hispanic, and it makes it sound funnier.

Crain, Jesse

28

Crain the Pain

This nickname was given to Crain by Janet, who has a distinct antipathy toward him. I personally haven’t found him to be all that terrible or irritating. He is, after all, no where close to the Rincylindrical levels of suckiness which we endured last season and the beginning of this season.

Crede, Joe

24

N/A

3/12/09: A former White Sox player. Does that make him a White Sock? Damn x on the end. Whose idea was that?

Cuddyer, Michael

5

Cuddles

There’s not a lot of background to this nickname. After a few misbegotten attempts to give Cuddyer a nickname (Cuddly Cuddy anyone?), we finally went with Lucy’s nickname for him. It suits his teddy-bear looks (the man has dimples for all that’s holy!), and usually-friendly personality. I say usually-friendly because we are quite convinced that if the Twins ever managed to be involved in a bench-clearing brawl, Cuddyer would be the instigator. He has quite the temper.

Dickey, R.A.

39

My Friend Dickey

4/26/09: He was already mentioned in this list for my infamous "I hope you suck, Dickey!" remark (see: Gomez, Carlos), and now he is on our team. I actually am very fond of him for whatever reason. He seems very likable, and thus I've taken to calling him "my friend Dickey."

Duensing, Brian

52

N/A

3/12/09: He pitched in the Olympics. And I'm still trying to figure out how to pronounce his last name.

Gabino, Armando

83

N/A

11/0709: Just added to the 40-Man Roster in November 2008 to protect him in the Rule 5 Draft, I've got nothing on this guy so far.

Gomez, Carlos

22

Rubber

At the beginning of the season, we had many discussions over what to call Gomez. Speedy was one option, while I had mentioned that fans frequently called him Go-Go. During one such discussion during a game, Gomez got an extra-base hit. Matt freaked out and yelled, “Run, Bitch, Run!” Janet and I cracked up, and we then shortened it to RBR or Rubber. This nickname is also notable, because when anyone asks why his nickname is Rubber, we usually have to say that it is inappropriate. This usually sends people’s thoughts in the entirely wrong direction. Especially if their minds are in the gutter, as mine is 99 percent of the time. I would say 100 percent of the time, but there are very rare occasions where I am not in fact thinking the worst. Such as a few days ago, when I learned we were facing a pitcher named R.A. Dickey and said, “I hope you suck, Dickey!” Matt started laughing, and I had to repeat what I had said in my head before I realized how dirty it sounded. Update (3/12/09): Interestingly enough, Dickey is now on our roster.

Guerrier, Matt

54

Little Warrior, LDub

He didn’t have a nickname until the sign-making party. We were discussing his name, and I mentioned that the Spanish word for war was guerra. I thought that Guerrier might mean something close to that in French, so I suggested Little Warrior. I then shortened it to LDub, although I have yet to tell anyone else. *Surprise!* Also, I just looked up guerrier in a French dictionary. It actually does mean warrior in French. Score 1 for me! Actually, I think it should be score 100 for me since Janet is the one who is supposed to speak French.

Harris, Brendan

23

Tofu

Harris is my favorite player now, but for the first few weeks of the season, we could not figure out who he was. Mike Lamb and Adam Everett were very distinctive, but Harris was very non-descript. Even after looking at his picture, I still couldn’t figure out who he was. I decided to nickname him after the blandest thing I could think of since he seemed like a very bland player. After bandying about a few options (white bread, potatoes, etc.), I finally settled on tofu, which is tasteless and absorbs the flavors of whatever it is cooked with. Shortly after receiving his nickname, Tofu was semi-arbitrarily selected as my favorite player. No, his sparkling personality and skillful playing had nothing to due with his selection. In fact, I’d be hard-pressed to come up with a solid reason for initially selecting him as my favorite player. However, in the months since I decided on him, he has proved himself to be a perfect choice for me due to his conservative politics and correct grammar.

Henn, Sean

60

Thor

 5/20/09: He is a blond giant, so my brother called him Thor.

Hughes, Luke

57

Lou Qs

3/12/09: This nickname is simply from the way his name sounds if you say it like it's one word. It's especially effective if you stretch out the first syllable. I may call him Lou, but please don't confuse him with Lew Ford. He is Australian, which is awesome because he has a cool accent.

Humber, Philip

38

Silent It

Humber has no nickname as of yet and also hasn’t appeared in a game for us yet. I have to admit, I already have a somewhat negative opinion of him because his last name sounds stupid. It sounds like a name that should belong to a fat, old hick who lives in a mountain cabin in West Virginia with his gun Bessie and his deaf hound dog Rufus. 9/20/08: Humber was called up in September. Now, in my Twins Journal, I wrote that Humber was pronounced with a silent H. Janet read my H as it, and thus dubbed him Silent It.

Jones, Jason

37

N/A

3/12/09: A Rule 5 Draft selection, taken from the New York Yankees. Yet another Jason.

Kubel, Jason

16

Kubel Khan, Hummer Boy

This nickname dates back to last season. Kubel was one of the 3 Jasons on the team, along with Bartlett and Tyner. Once the others had nicknames, (Jason Pear and Jason Jason respectively), Janet pressured me to come up with a nickname. He was thus named Jason Cougar, a terrible nickname. Later in the season, it occurred to me that Kubel Khan would be a great nickname as a play on Kublai Khan. This was a far superior nickname, and it proves once again that the best nicknames are those which come naturally and are not forced. The nickname Hummer Boy refers to the fact that Kubel drives a Hummer (no, I do not approve fellatio-related nicknames). This nickname originated from and is mainly used by Lucy and Janet. In a side note, Kubel is the only remaining Jason on the team. Jason Pear was traded to Tampa (boo!), although we did receive Brendan Harris in that trade (yay!). Jason Tyner is currently playing for the White Sox’s Triple-A affiliate following a stint with the Indian’s Triple-A club.

Liriano, Francisco

47

DUI Throw Strikes?

Liriano had trouble entering the country for spring training this year due to a previous DUI arrest. Hence the DUI part of the nickname. The Throw Strikes part of it comes from his dominance as a pitcher, at least in 2006. This brings me to the question mark at the end, suggested by Matt, which indicates our lack of confidence in Liriano’s current pitching ability.

Macri, Matt

27

Macreepy

Macri made a number of appearances for us, but he was never given a nickname. I have somewhat fond recollections of him, but I will not hesitate to label him with a nasty name if he becomes a threat in any way to Tofu. Interestingly, the emphasis in Macri’s last name is on the last syllable instead of the first as you might expect. 9/20/08: Sure enough, Macri has been stealing playing time from Harris, so cue the nasty nickname. I’ve started calling him Macreepy because I think he looks kind like an insect.

Mauer, Joe

7

Moe Jauer, Mojo

This nickname developed from my habit of transposing the first letters of two words. Hilarity almost always ensues. Mojo is a shortened version of the original nickname of which Janet is particularly fond.

Mijares, Jose

50

SuHarris, MiHarris, Moojares

I have never seen this player, nor do I know who is. His name makes no particular impact on me, which is, of course, already a strike against him. Hehehe, strike. I just used a baseball metaphor without thinking. 9/20/08: Mijares was one of the September call-ups, and he has been very impressive. Janet had a very hard time pronouncing his name and kept saying Mi-hair-is instead of Mi-har-es. It kind of evolved from there, with me telling her it wasn’t pronounced like Harris’s name and some joking around about it. Eventually she said it was like su casa, mi casa, so it should be SuHarris, MiHarris. Mostly I just call him MiHarris now. 4/28/09: During spring training, a commentator mispronounced his name as "Moojares", and I thought it was funny considering his bovine-esque physique, so I picked it up as a nickname.

Morales, Jose

58

N/A

He has no nickname. I’m so bored by this guy I can’t even think of anything to write.

Morillo, Juan

31

New Guy

4/26/09: A recent addition to our bullpen, I just called him New Guy because it was easy to remember, and it sort of stuck.

Morneau, Justin

33

The Fiancé, FWOGO

Morneau is Janet’s favorite player, so she frequently called him different variations of names which designated him as her significant other. The Fiancé is the one most frequently used. This season, though, during one particularly rough game Janet berated him and called him “the fucker who only gets outs.” I found this to be hilarious, and I suggested calling him FWOGO as an acronym of this phrase. Morneau almost always performs better when we remember to shout FWOGO during his at bats.

Nathan, Joe

36

Little Orphan Nathan

Nathan is featured in one of the unfortunate FSN photos which are featured before and after commercial breaks. In this photo, he looks like he is about 12. He also looks very plaintive, and I think that he looks rather reminiscent of one of the orphans from the Save-the-Children-type organizations. “Please send money and save me from dirty water and flesh-eating bacteria!”

Neshek, Pat

17

Neshekel

One of the first nicknames I ever gave, Neshekel came about when we went to a Twins game as a family. When he came in to pitch, I found his name to be hilarious, and said, “Neshek!?!? Like Neshekel?” My strange and convoluted mind heard “Neshek” and thought of “shekel,” as in the monetary unit. A bit of a leap, but nothing out of the ordinary for me.

Perkins, Glen

15

Perk, 1 Out, What the Fuck?

Yes, one of those uninteresting nicknames. Gardy calls him Perk, so we dubbed him Perk on his poster. I don’t think I have ever actually called him that during a game though. More commonly, we use 1 Out and What the Fuck when he is pitching (see the entry on Alexi Casilla).

Plouffe, Trevor

1

N/A

3/12/09: Kinda looks like a stoner (I wonder if he's a friend of Swarzak?), is a good friend of Delmon Young, and his last name rhymes with Boof. Wouldn't Boof Plouffe be a totally amazing name?

Pridie, Jason

11

N/A

Pridie was one of the competitors for CF at spring training. Oddly enough, his last name is pronounced with a long I sound, rather than being a homophone of pretty. I am still toying with the idea of calling him Pridie Bird if he ever plays for us. Update (9/20/08): Now that he has been called up, I don't really call him anything.

Punto, Nick

8

Tiny Superhero, Tiny Batting Average

He received the first nickname from his diminutive frame coupled with his amazing defensive prowess. Matt later played on the initial nickname and called him Tiny Batting Average due to his unimpressive .210 BA last season. Thus far he has avoided a repeat performance this season.

Ramos, Wilson

76

N/A

3/12/09: Another catcher. Yeah, that's still all I've got.

Redmond, Mike

55

Clifford

Redmond is commonly referred to as Red Dog (or perhaps Red Dawg) by many people. Someone (and Megan is the most-likely suspect) then wittily christened him Clifford (as in the children’s books). I’m a big fan of this nickname (and perhaps a bit envious that I didn’t come up with it!).

Romero, Deibinson

74

N/A

3/12/09: Interesting first name.

Slowey, Kevin

59

N/A

I am a big fan of Slowey, but we still haven’t found a nickname for him. He was very well-spoken in an interview we saw with him, however, so my English-major self holds him in high esteem for that.

Span, Denard

2

Spic, Span Man

The latter nickname is something Gardy calls Span. Many fans have also adopted this name. However, my personal favorite of the two comes from Janet. When he made his first appearance, Janet said that she wanted to call him Spic and Span, like the household cleaner. She later told me that she wanted to shorten it to Spic. I was horrified and told her she couldn’t call him that, and I then learned that she was ignorant of the meaning of spic. She continued to call him Spic anyway, and I eventually picked up on it. Hmmmm…I just looked up Spic and Span on Wikipedia, and I have discovered that LatinosUSA actually organized a boycott of Spic and Span because of its use of the term. Very interesting.

Swarzak, Anthony

51

N/A

3/12/09: Apparently he was suspended for violating the league's drug policy. And we're talking recreational drugs here, not steroids.

Tolbert, Matt

20

Tolbert (pronounced like it was French), Hummingbird, Princess, Princess Caribou

I had read about Tolbert prior to joining the team, and whenever I read his name I assumed it was pronounced Tol-BARE. I couldn’t get this pronunciation out of my head, and even after I knew it was pronounced Tol-BERT I still continued to refer to him the other way. Update (9/20/08): Hummingbird came from Gardy, who thinks he has a lot of energy and flits around. Princess is my most recent nickname for him, which came about because I decided that if he were a Star Wars character he would be Princess Leia since he looks like Morneau who I thought would be Luke Skywalker. I also haven’t been liking him very much since he returned to the team, so it’s kind of a malicious nickname. 3/12/09: I have now also added Princess Caribou to Tolbert's nicknames. I'm building upon his previous nickname and then adding caribou as a reference to his dad, who is apparently named Moose. No joke.

Tolleson, Steven

77

N/A

3/12/09: The only things I know about this guy are that he's an infielder and he hasn't gotten a hit yet in spring training.

Young, Delmon

21

Bubba, DY

Upon getting a good look a Young, I realized that he bore an uncanny resemblance to Bubba from Forrest Gump, especially around his mouth. This is especially sad since the actor playing Bubba wore a lip device to achieve his particular facial appearance. DY is just a commonly used nickname using his initials.