Name

Team

Nickname(s)

Origin

Bartlett, Jason

Tampa Bay Rays

Jason Pear

This was one of my first nicknames. When my family told me his last name was Bartlett, I immediately thought of pears. So the next time he was up, I called him Jason Pear.

Bass, Brian

Baltimore Orioles

Fishy

The universally disliked Bass had no nickname, so when we were making signs for all the Twins, Megan dubbed him Fishy. (For those in need of further explanation, bass is a type of fish.)

Cali, Carmen

Los Angeles Dodgers

Dwayne

I nicknamed Cali during the 2007 season when he made some appearances for us. I thought it was unfortunate that he basically had 2 girls names, so I decided to give him a manly nickname, and Dwayne just popped into my head for whatever reason.

DePaula, Julio

Tampa Bay Rays

N/A

DePaula has no nickname as of yet. I have a vague recollection of him pitching for us last year, but I don’t believe he had a nickname bestowed upon him.

Everett, Adam

Detroit Tigers

Dopey, Dumbo, Batter BigEars, The Hitless Wonder

The first three nicknames are all references to his abnormally large ears. Batter BigEars actually came about recently when Megan couldn’t remember his name and called him that instead. The Hitless Wonder is also a newer appellation. While Everett is a strong defensive player, his batting average is under .200. Since returning from the DL, he has only had 1 hit.

Garza, Matt

Tampa Bay Rays

Gonzo

Garza has a really big nose, so Janet thought he looked like Gonzo. And I really can’t disagree.

Guardado, Eddie

Texas Rangers

Fat Guy: Episode I

Eddie Guardado is very fat and is left-handed, just like Reyes, so I based his nickname on Reyes’s moniker. Guardado used to pitch for us and then recently returned to the team, so I decided he was kind of a prequel/sequel to Reyes, and I went with the Star Wars-esque name.

Hernandez, Livan

New York Mets

Livan on a Prayer

One of the recent subtractions from the lineup, Hernandez didn’t really have a nickname. A fan on opening day did have a sign that said “Livan on a Prayer,” which I thought was very clever, especially considering how often that song is played at games. It also came to sum up how I felt every time Hernandez was pitching. Divine intervention was the only way we were going to win with him on the mound.

Jones, Garrett

Pittsburgh Pirates

GJ

I just started calling him by his initials because I thought it sounded funny.

Jorgensen, Ryan

Retired

Chad

Jorgensen was a call-up in September. He’s a catcher, and has made very little impact on me. 3/12/09: I actually had him listed as Chad on my spreadsheet, and I just looked it up and realized his name is Ryan. I have no clue where Chad came from.

Korecky, Bobby

Arizona Diamondbacks

N/A

Korecky also has no nickname, but he actually pitched for us in a handful of games. Most notably, he got his first win and his first hit versus Texas in extra innings. He was sent down to Triple-A shortly after, and his batting average remains at 1.000.

Lamb, Mike

New York Mets

Lambchops, Depressed Mike Lamb

With a name like Lamb, there were a multitude of nicknames to choose from. We finally settled on Lambchops, perhaps in part due to his sideburns. However, once Brian Buscher was called up, Lamb played less and less, eventually becoming a bench player. During this time, he grew a beard and started looking quite frankly like a hobo. I began commenting on how depressed Mike Lamb looked every time I saw him. Eventually I started saying, “Look! It’s my Depressed Mike Lamb sighting of the day.” I’ve also been known to make comments about how Lamb must have become a drunk, how he looks like a hobo, how he looks like a bum, etc. One can hardly blame him when he went from our starting 3rd baseman to a bench player. I’m still waiting to see him with a bottle in a paper bag, in which case all my deepest fears for Lamb will be confirmed.

Monroe, Craig

Pittsburgh Pirates

C.Mo the Seal

The other player no longer a member of the Twins organization, Monroe was called C.Mo by Michael Cuddyer when he read the lineup for Fox Baseball. This made me think of the name Seymour, which in turn reminded me of an old children’s show “Seymour the Seal.” I started singing the theme song (or what I remembered of it) with C.Mo instead of Seymour. However, I have just done some research and discovered that Seymour the Seal was actually Seabert the Seal. I did remember the theme song correctly though. Oh well. It hardly matters now that Monroe is gone.

Pierzynski, A.J.

Chicago White Sox

Penguin Boy

After seeing A.J. with his peroxide hair, I decided that he looked like a macaroni penguin, hence Penguin Boy.

Reyes, Dennys

St. Louis Cardinals

Fat Guy

For those of you who are not aware, Reyes is fat. In fact, he has the highest weight listed on our roster. Congratulations Dennys, you are officially the fattest Twins player! What the nickname lacks in originality it makes up for in accuracy. 3/12/09: Reyes signed with the Cardinals, so clearly he is now the fattest FORMER Twins player.

Rincon, Juan

Detroit Tigers

Rincylinder

Rincon received his nickname when he was still with the team. The last syllable of his last name is pronounced “cone” so I decided to find another 3-dimensional figure to replace it with, and I came up with a cylinder.

Ruiz, Randy

Toronto Blue Jays

Randy Randy

Ruiz was a recent addition to our team. One of the first things I heard about him was how he had tested positive for steroids in 2005 and had apparently blamed the result on taking Viagra. When I was telling Matt about this, I jokingly referred to him as Randy Randy, and now he is officially the only Twin to be nicknamed due to an erectile dysfunction drug.

Santos, Sergio

Chicago White Sox

N/A

Another nonentity in my book. This poor guy is the only person on the 40-Man Roster without a number. 3/12/09: And apparently for good reason as we released him.

Tyner, Jason

Detroit Tigers

Jason Jason

Jason Tyner is currently playing for the White Sox’s Triple-A affiliate following a stint with the Indian’s Triple-A club. He actually had some not so nice things to say about the Twins (I believe he commented that he wanted a chance to play for someone who had a chance of winning the pennant). Ouch. Jason Jason is on my shit list now. Wow, I just discovered that Jason Tyner's middle name is Renyt, as in Tyner backwards. How lame is that? Negative 300 points for Jason Tyner's parents.